3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Lmaoo 😂
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.