“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.