One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My beach vacation Google searches
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?