RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Nice try Hitler
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Dolls on drugs
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.