Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
that colleague who touches your screen
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”