Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You Might Also Like
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.