When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Just a bush.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money