I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
my astrological sign is a french fry
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.