inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain