Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,