[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots