Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.