I’M CRYINGGG
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.