don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
(Gaming support cat.)
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it