I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Bloody internet 😳
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up