I already tried new things thanks.
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.