Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!