The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
He took my last fry, your honor
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole