Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
good morning
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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HEYYYY MACARENA
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word