ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
You Might Also Like
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
what the
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.