I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.