a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit