so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I triple waxed for this?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.