My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
my nickname in college
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun