[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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everyone’s a critic
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.