captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…