I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.