MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”