Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
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.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*