men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.