genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I need this for my side hustle.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin