I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The struggle is real
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne