Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Happy Caturday!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.