Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
knights of the ikea table
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.