me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.