ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?