ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Think I pulled my liver
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted