A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I created you as mosquito food.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*updates tinder bio*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.