Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
You Might Also Like
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
This is a bad sign
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.