“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]