I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep