[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.