Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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spicy snake
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
when revenge coincides with naptime
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
and now we wait
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?