It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired