I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Follow me for more life hacks.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…