INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine