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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Skills
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let鈥檚 buy stuff online
anxiety: you can鈥檛 afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You鈥檇 think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I鈥檓 sending over a marriage counselor.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Yeah it鈥檚 disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn鈥檛 their friends like my joke tho? 馃槫 How rude.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don鈥檛 do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Don鈥檛 go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me when my alarm goes off
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.