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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.