Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.