*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.